Mappy Slapping

London Mayor Boris Johnson has today given his strongest indication yet that he is prepared to rubber stamp  a  measure  which is sure to upset many cyclists in England’s capital city. For many months Johnson and the rest of city hall have been discussing options to curb the number of  accidents on the capital’s roads, with many insiders expecting  the mayor to bow to growing pressure and implement cycle lanes in the capital. However, in a surprise move the mayor of London is expected to announce  “tourist lanes “ and “tourist zones” in an effort to significantly  reduce what city hall perceives as “tourist induced accidents” or  “Map Slaps” as they are commonly referred to.

These "tourist  lanes", essentially based on the same system as cycle lanes will allow tourists the freedom to take in the cultural sights of the capital without straying into the path of busy commuters. “ It’s becoming a problem especially over Westminster bridge”  said one insider “ I’m constantly finding myself facing the prospect of either  having to walk  around a large group of tourists thereby  running the risk of being hit by a car or a bike or  having to consider  the option of shimmying along on the underside of the bridge like Indiana Jones under that truck in Raiders of the Lost Ark. “

 Tourists queuing outside a haulage depot in central London yesterday, eager to get a photograph of an authentic London wooden pallet or an over weight man smoking. But could this soon become a thing of the past ? 

It is thought that Boris Johnson himself owns a scuba diving kit in case he needs to get from one side of the river to the other and avoid the crowds. “ The last thing we want to do is discourage tourists taking photos of the many wonderful things the city has to offer “ continued the  insider “ but we have to be reasonable, we have to draw the line somewhere. In addition to implementing tourist lanes, to run adjacdent to historical places of interest,  we are looking to impose tourism zones where tourists can come to photograph in bulk rather than causing mayhem by trawling from one tourist hot  spot to another”

Much like the concept of the Millenium Dome it will be an exhibition of portable items that can be contained under one roof. As one colleague in the press put it – “ The type of shit tourists see at home; grass, paving stones, leaves , but because it’s in London it’s got greater significance. Like it was once in Jane Austen’s bin or summit.  If Paul McCartney’s brother’s wife’s mother in law spat on it and it’s been cleaned a million times since to remove any DNA relating to the Beatle, it goes in”.

Many would argue that that it’s just going to give more credence to profiteering black market operatives who already cash in on tourist’s love for irrelevant tat. There are already market stall holders, dotted around the capital, allowing tourists for £10 quid a time to photograph  items  such as a  piece of a tree  that Samuel Pepys’ dog once shat on, a junky needle once used by Sherlock Holmes and the piece de resistance;  the original docking station for the first I Pod believed to have been used  by Sid James.  Most of these stall holders are operating illegally and critics argue that setting up these tourism zones will just legitimise this industry. “ It’ll be like giving the Victorian Freak Show a National Insurance number  and sick pay ” suggested one source.

An announcement on this issue is expected by the end of the week 

Daybroken

In a move likely to upset the proletariat, the government has today outlined a five year plan to cull daily lifestyle and topical debate tv programmes. Under the proposals, which the government hopes to be roll out as soon as this autumn, big hitters such as Daybreak and The Wright Stuff could be off our television screens as early as Christmas. The reason for the cull, according to a senior Whitehall source, is due to the Prime Minister being left fuming after heeding advice from morning television that a certain food stuff definitely caused cancer only to discover the information was flawed.

" The P.M loved brussel sprouts" said a senior party Whip " he would eat them by the suitcase load but as soon as he found out they definitely caused cancer, they immediately went off  Number 10's shopping list. It caused a bit of embarrassment for the P.M at the party christmas do I can tell you, the P.M would make up all manner of excuses such as IBS or that he was currently  "anti- greens", which unfortunately was jumped on by the left wing press as an admission that his party were in favour of climate change. Thankfully a potential party scandal was quickly averted."

Could the sun soon be setting on Daybreak?

The government may have narrowly avoided one political scandal but they now seem to be heading headlong into another one. "It's outrageous" said one opposition  MP opposed to the plans; " Where am I going to get my unsubstantiated, ill informed opinions now? The Internet?" And his views were echoed by many MP's on both sides of the political fence.

But it's not just M.P's feeling aggrieved , Claire Davies of The Single Parents Alliance feels this could have have a detrimental effect on her members. " As single parents we have become accustomed to former reality tv stars turned parenting experts advising us on how bad we are at bringing up our kids. Who's going to keep us on our toes now? Without this level of continuous undermining I fear for the development of many children in this country"

And even in the corridors of political advice there is growing concern;" I think the Prime Minister is exerting his own personal grievance here and he could live to regret it " said Crem Waterston, director of political think tank Mow Teeve 8. "Shows like Daybreak speak to the average man in the street and if you take them away you're removing a political party's main mouth piece. All the responsibility will then fall on Jeremy Clarkson and to be fair he's got his hands full with Top Gear and Christmas book writing.

This motion is due be debated in the House of Commons next week

Baby Blues

A report out today will highlight the lengths men will go to, to avoid looking at, commenting on or touching the baby of a work colleague. The report argues that more and more British men are finding ways to excuse themselves from the office rather than lie about how happy and beautiful their colleague's baby is.

The most popular methods of escaping this ordeal appear to be pretending to be on the phone with no one on the line, suggesting that you've got " some thingy" that needs doing  and in one instance jumping through a 10 storey glass window.  

We emailed the findings of the report to the editor and founder of  baby bragging website - Babeeze. " I'm not surprised. " said website founder Michelle Brown " And it's something that irks me immensely. The day I gave birth was the greatest day of my life so why don't people whom I rarely acknowledge share the same sense of pride?" 

We asked Wiz Neegal, editor of Wankz magazine for a male perspective. " If it's your kids you don't mind but the last thing you want to do is dish out attention to some stranger. They're gonna get attention when they grow up and make the front pages of the tabloids so if anything I think we're doing them a favour."

" You wouldn't mind if they brought their kids into the office at 17.00 cos you can make the excuse of needing to get home. But they always bring them in just after lunch, right when you're at your most vulnerable. Plus in winter they're normally full of baby viruses like small pox and I'm right at the limit of my full sick pay allowance."

" Data protection's also an issue " continued Neegal " how do we know that they're not the latest Japanese robot baby with camera inplants in their eyes photographing our personal information. One minute you're making coochie coochie noises at baby Alfie and the next minute Afie's got an Uzi and a Bentley and living in the Caymen Islands. " 

We asked the National Office for Data Protection if it was possible that babies could pose a threat to the protection of personal information. " I very much doubt it " said a spokesman " quite frankly if a 6 month old baby who's not even walking or talking can remember sort codes and 7 digit bank account numbers, well they probably deserve the money" *

* Since this interview was conducted the National Office of Data Protection have confirmed that they don't condone  financial scamming by babies

Boasting joggers - quents

Warning: Spleen venting in progress

 Of all the sports about which people love to boast, there can be no more banal and irritating than the quent who boasts about the universally simple act of transporting your body from one designated position to another designated position at slightly faster speed than walking pace.
Firstly, may I wholeheartedly recognise and acknowledge the act of running for all its advantages. 1). This genetically coded system of human locomotion transports yourself and your belongings to a destination faster than walking, without the need for extrinsic assistance.
Shifting perspective, to the arena of sport and hobbies, I also recognise the benefits and satisfaction that one might derive from performing this activity for anything other than the aforementioned purpose of self transport. For some people, simply performing the act of running long distances fills them with complete and utter satisfaction.
But please stop short of this consideration that running is anything to boast about, or tell others that you do. Social media is chock full of people who post their latest personal best for the world to see. Clear and utterly bereft of any sense of irony or self criticism, these "posts" declare the owner's complete and utter self satisfaction with themselves. Perhaps it isn't "running" that is to blame. More, it is the catalyst by which the wankers reveal themselves to the world. Perhaps, on closer consideration, we ought to thank running for bringing these scum floating to the top of the sewage drain, so we can survey and avoid.
Nobody cares, to be honest, how far you ran today. Nobody is proud of you. Nobody respects you. Running is just a form of transport, and is, itself a component of sport, but not in itself a sport. By this I mean, apart from the geek next to you running faster or slower than you, there is no distraction, no opponent trying to knock you off your stride, no referee applying the rules. There are no rules, and no strategy that a 4 year old can't master in a weekend. There really is nothing to it. If you want to put yourself on the line and go running, then that is absolutely fine with me and the rest of the world. Indeed, if I see a person on the street having a jog, that's fine - good for you.
But in sport, bragging is not the done thing. In victory, it is polite, gentlemanly, ladylike and sportsmanlike, courteous and apt, to take satisfaction with humble modesty. The opposite, is the complete and utter wanker who runs around waing his hands in the air, as if to say "Nar na ni nar nar!" to all and sundry. You might aswell resort to type and shout "I'm the king of the castle and you're the dirty rascal" because you never really emerged from your 9th year of psychological development. You probably still have identity issues, as you never really created one for yourself. Indeed, you probably have an intense anal fixation, which is why running is the perfect hobby for you. It allows you to own the success, all by yourself, without having to share it with others.
Running is the realm of the selfish. Like (professional) tennis, snooker and golf, all sports that started out as social games - something to do on a summer's day or in a pub, with your mates, the introduction of competition has brought forth the anally retentive, who pursue personal success, amongst others doing the same.
For me, the team sports are universally more endearing. The fundamental difference being the victory or defeat are shared by the tribe. Victory resonates through the team, as defeat depresses all. As a social vehicle, team sports resonate strongly. Individual sports, hobbies and pursuits were never intended for such purposes. The conclusion is, that results are of no interest to anyone but the person involved.
In team sports, where sportsmanship remains integral, it is not acceptable to beat your chest when the battle is won. Far more class has the man, or woman, who consoles the loser, and says hard luck.
The solitary, lonely, and self-indulged individual runner (or golfer, or tenniser) misses out on this completely. Through social networks, these anal tosspots have been exposed for, ironically, their social ineptitudes. Look at me, I've done well.
Jesus christ, was your daddy looking the other way when you grew up? Short of mother's milk, or too much perhaps?
Wimbledon's latest news story is a plethora of "superstars" of the sport falling over, and "blaming" their lack of coordination on their surroundings. That's like a slow swimmer saying the water was too thick. Again, we hear these cocooned, developmentally-retarded creatures bleating like 7 year olds who lost at the school tombola.
And so in all individual sports, but at least they are professionals and have made it to a level resembling  impressive. If they publicised their success on social networks, they would be cannon fodder for such braggish arrogance.
Yet, for far less achievement, the proliferation of "look-at-me-in-my-running-vest" wankers grows and grows, without shame, without humility, and without any sense of the fact that the only words coming out of viewers' mouths, beggin with "F" and "W" and are spat forth qucikly and in immediate succession.

And I didn't even mention cyclists.....

R.I.P it up and start again.

The coalition has announced it's biggest austerity measure yet in order to curb the amount of working time lost to observing silences following the deaths of famous people. Under new plans rolled out today, a single day of remembrance will replace the current system of observance which occurs on the anniversary of a celebrity's death. By bringing the commemoration of famous people "in house" and displaying it under the banner of a single day it is hoped that it will halt the decline in productivity and give the UK economy a much needed boost.

The proposed,  as yet unnamed, day of remembrance comes hot on the heels of a report published by celebrity death research organisation (BUKITKIK) which looked into the levels of productive output following the demise of a famous figure.

" The results were jaw dropping " said Conway Perrett, the government minister who's brainchild this is, " firstly, I didn't realise that Pete Postlethwaite was dead but also I didn't realise how popular some of these celebrities were. And that is shown in the willingness of many to down tools to commemorate the life of someone they barely knew"

Some children playing in their own tears at the Princess Diana Memorial but would they be so keen if it was 

4.30 am on a Tuesday morning in January?

This paper received an early leaked copy of the BUKITKIK report several weeks ago and we took to the streets of the UK to gauge the nation's feelings on this subject. As you might have guessed opinions are divided. " I remember 1998,  the year after the deaths of Lady Di and Mother Teresa " said Stan Brain , a retired welder from Woking, " One minute I'm in the tape section of John Menzies bowing my head and the next I know I'm standing in the aisle of an aeroplane scared to move for fear of upsetting the memory of Mother Teresa. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. Plus I'm a diabetic which doesn't help matters. I think this is a good move and if I know I'm going to be busy commemorating on any given day  I can plan my day around it. " 

Stan is not alone in his support, one man who refused to be named said he was a fire fighter the year after Amy Winehouse died and because he had overslept and missed the community action meeting he was not informed of the proposed silence that was due to take place - " I was at work when  my neighbour burst in and said I had to stop what I was doing because Amy Winehouse had died a year ago that very day. I had no option but to do what

he said. Luckily no one died in the fire but it could have been much worse"

And much worse is something that this fire fighter is desperate to avoid - " It just makes sense, we need to stop this madness right now" 

But not everyone is so keen, critics of the proposals are not necessarily  against the idea of saving time but are more concerned with the registration process. The report suggests that in order to effectively orchestrate a day of national remembrance, say for example 15th September every year,  there will need to be a cut off point by which all proposed deaths to be remembered will need to be registered, currently the proposed date is the 1st of April. Any celebrity deaths registered after the 1st April will not be remembered until the following year. 

" Say the Queen dies in March " said Brian Banks, president of pressure group Silence Majority, campaigning against the bill, " and her death isn't registered until 2nd April she won't be remembered for another 18 months, people will have forgotten about her by then. Plus, it won't be long before the government brings in self -assessment, how are they going to do that? By seance?" 

The BUKITKIK report is due to be debated in the commons tomorrow. 

The Special One sided photocopying

Jose Mourinho yesterday dropped his biggest hint yet that he may be returning to England - to work in admin. " English offices are the envy of the world" said the Special One " In Portugal if you work in an office and the phone rings you immediately answer it, in England when the phone rings you can just bow your head at the desk and mumble something about being " locked out".

" In Portugal " the Real Madrid honcho continued " you normally eat at breakfast and then have to wait until at least lunch time until you can eat again, in England you have breakfast and then by ten minutes past nine in the morning, people start breaking out orange clubs and twiglets. It's like Christmas day every day. Plus you all get to wear swipe cards to enter buildings, it must be like working for the CIA"

Jose Mourinho - "Intimidating" array of spreadsheets 

Mourinho, it appears,  is no stranger to administration, as deputy to Bobby Robson at Sporting Lisbon he would often take it upon himself to write replies to player's fan mail and when Portuguese television showed a behind the scenes documentary on Sporting in the late 90's the producers of the documentary found a highly detailed, extensive collection of spread sheets (purportedly compiled by Mourinho) which one current employee at the club described as " intimidating".

The Special One's latest comments have got social media buzzing, with many suggesting that it is just an extension of his renowned mischievous sense of humour. " I'm not so sure" said Simon Tarr, freelance journalist and friend of Mourinho during his time at Chelsea, " rumour has it that the minute Roman (Abramovic) heard this he immediately issued a memo demanding that the club procure the most up to date stationery in an effort to lure Jose back. I've also heard on the grapevine that Abramovic is personally overseeing the development of a franking machine based on ancient Egyptian technology."

Whether Mourinho's intentions are genuine or not  there is no doubting his enthusiasm for this area of work. " In England you play this office game called " Who would you do?" where you take 2 unattractive people, one say from the mail room and the other one from accounts and you then  have to say which one you'd have sex with. In Portugal this is not possible to play. "

" Is that because you're too busy working?" quipped one journalist " No " was  the firm response " we have no unattractive people in Portugal "

And who are we to argue.

David Icke

David Icke's words seem to resonate with young brits, who grow up in a post discrimination era in which bigotry is largely a fringe activity. At the football, previously the exclusive domain of, and outlet for(?), accepted bigotry and bullying, all prejudices are now outlawed, be that based on gender, skin colour, country of origin etc.
The older generation - that is - those who remember the pre-Wogan David Icke, came through the era where prejudice reached a breaking point. At the football grounds, attendances dwindled as hooliganism proliferated without resistance. Black people were targeted and marginalised, in England, for abuse, bullying, and physical harm, not to mention treated with unfair suspicion by police forces. Homosexuality fought its corner against a backdrop of religious based hatred. Women continued the century long fight for equal rights and equal pay, and to be treated according to their values and actions, not their tits and skirt length.
At the time the establishment, fronted by the Wogan show - aired at prime time, to the huge majority of the watching public on the most prominent of only 4 British television channels.
The Wogan show was the billboard for the zeitgeist of the 1980s. The usual format was celebrities meeting Terry in some pretend middle-aged foreplay set up, usually to promote their new film, album, book, or sporting success. Wogan mixed gentle joshing - see the modern work of Alan Partridge for an identical reworking of the process - with snide side swipes and trapdooring of the celebrities par for the course. I always thought the likes of Wogan, and Parkinson, were so incredibly envious of the seemingly effortless success of their guests, that they took it upon themselves to expose the weakness of their guest - see Piers Morgan or again, Alan Partridge - in order to upset or dethrone their guest, to get a rise out of them, which would "excite" the audience. As Parkinson no doubt saw it, "bring the buggers down a peg or two." Only, the buggers were simply exhibiting their abilities. George Best, Mo' Ali, and others like them, were brought out like lambs to the slaughter. The main objective of the show - "entertainment" through humiliation. This was done to all celebrities who came on the show. Some took Wogan on at his own game, and fought back with cunning and guile. Others took a more aggressive approach, such as Grace Jones. Madonna was brough forward for her turn, and was cool as a cucumber. Either way, the giggling audience would be drooling in anticipation of their next fix of seeing another human being torn to shreds in front of them. A strange young boy who dealt in antiques was paraded out in front of the watching millions. He was fully versed in his hobby and business, and spoke eloquently about his subject. Wogan, in classic "bring this Jonny cum lately down to size" style, proceeded to ask the lad why he isn't normal, and in doing so, clearly implied - in fact just stopped short of saying - that the boy was not normal and that he "should be playing tig with the rest of the kids." The sniggers and the hands-hiding-the-mouth laughter from the audience acted, as was the intention of the entire Wogan project, to persuade the wider TV watching millions of exactly how they ought to react to such a "freak".
Uniqueness, it seems, was not to be celebrated, but to be ridiculed and, equally, condemned as hopeless and hapless, at least by the BBC and those behind their calculated productions.

David Icke simultaneously exited and walked back into this contrived environment when he first left the BBC, then returned as a guest. Wogan, only weeks or months earlier, to be considered a colleague of David, produced his most sneering, sniggering, eyebrow raising, ridiculing performance yet. It was nothing new, but Icke's appearance signalled, for me, an instant change in the epoch of television. Wogan's format fizzled out over the years, and Icke pioneered the modern conspiracy movement of open mindedness and scepticism. Icke came in on the wave of new drugs, mind opening MDMA and the erosion of the prejudice that was crippling society.
That was the early 90s. Ten, twenty years on, and people who saw that TV show still carry the audience reaction to David. "He's a nutter."
Young people, who were not aware of that appearance, and who read and listen to his stuff now, find him engaging, and a grandfather of wisdom type figure. It is with some relief that I, and others like me, sense this change in the zeitgeist, and feeling justified in the complete sense they saw in Icke's words and pictures all those years.
From my perspective, I am far more conscious, aware, and infinitely deep, when I am asleep and dreaming. I have beautiful, loving dreams of limitless possibility. The moment I wake, the whole thing comes crashing down, and its all I can do to get through the so called woken state until the next time I can fly away in my dreams.
Icke's description of the bombardment of the senses - in a fearful, scary, paranoid form - is absolutely spot on, and backed up by psychology experts. All the other proof needed comes from the fact that the USA's budget of invading other countries outweighs the cumulative invasion budget of all other countries in the world combined. Yet USA is portrayed, advertised and promoted, as a free, peace loving country.

Top,Middle, Rock Bottom

In a shock announcement last night, former Strike It Lucky star Michael Barrymore confessed to making a " massive mistake" during the filming of the Strike It Lucky Christmas Special in 1986. In the process Barrymore, 58, finally settled one of the longest arguments in broadcasting history. For years fans and industry insiders have been asking why Barrymore pressed "Middle", when the viewing and studio audience could audibly hear the word " Giggle"

Sadly for the unwitting contestants, Derek and Brenda Johnson from Spennymoor, County Durham, the incident passed without reproach and it is only in recent years that it has reared it's ugly head again. 2 years ago  celebrated TV and singing star Gary Wilmott referred to the incident in his autobiography describing it as " Michael's mistake". Wilmott even goes onto say that " Bruno Brookes knows the truth, but Bruno being Bruno is keeping schtum"

Barrymore, clearly shaken after the incident 

Despite Brookes' wall of silence, it now looks like this secret can no longer be kept in the closet. And last night Barrymore took the unusual step of inviting selected members of the press to a specially reconstructed mock up of the Strike It Lucky stage, one journalist described it as being " eerily reminiscent of the original". Another journalist agreed saying " eerie yes and I was at the  Paris tunnel for the Diana inquest"

Reading from a pre-prepared statement Barrymore explained how he'd misheard one of the contestants Brenda use the word "Giggle" which he'd interpreted as " Middle". By the time Barrymore made sense of what he'd heard he'd already de-pressed the button on the screen prompting a question. The question asked what rank was Jean Darblay in the tv series Juliet Bravo? Without conferring Derek dived in, shouting, " Sergeant". £2,000 poorer , the Johnsons trudged back to Spennymoor.

Barrymore continued by saying that it was the " lowest point in both his personal and professional life" and that " the scars of that  night will probably never heal". Reacting to the statement the Johnsons, through the family solicitor, said they'd " no animosity towards Barrymore, everyone makes mistakes. We had a lovely time in London that year and whenever Strike It Lucky is on Challenge we have a good chuckle, or should I say giggle and just last year Brenda, my wife of 30 years bought me Juliet Bravo on DVD".

Michael Barrymore is currently starring as Captain Hook in Peter Pan at the Preston Guild Hall

Christopher Hitchens

Thank Christ for Christopher Hitchens

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Books_by_Christopher_Hitchens

Sutherland of milk and honey

Entertainment insiders are growing concerned at the increasingly worrying behaviour of  24 star, Keifer Sutherland. Concerns were raised last week, when the star of the show, currently in it's 15th season, asked for something to eat. " To say it took us by surprise is an understatement" said one insider working on the hit show " he's never eaten before , irrespective of whether he's being tied up in a deserted warehouse or chasing terrorists through the streets of Los Angeles"

No visible surgery scars 

The surprise isn't shared by everyone, leading Nutritionist, Dr Lionel White has gone as far as writing to the President's office requesting that they look into this issue. " At the start, in seasons 1-3 I just assumed that he ate when the action was following his daughter having an argument with her teacher in high school over her continually poor grades, but since she left school I still haven't seen him eat anything. How is he supposed to do his job if he doesn't eat? At least James Bond drinks Martinis to keep him going. "

One wildly held assumption was that Sutherland has had a gastric band inserted, but this was ruled out by an executive producer on the show showing me a recent calender photo shoot where no visible surgery scars could be seen.However as this reporter was leaving the producer's office, a very heated telephone argument could be heard in which either the exec or someone else in the room was heard to shout, " Jesus Christ Artie, that rock climber guy went 128 hours without eating and he lost an arm"


The new season of 24 starts on 24/03/2013 

Off Licence to Kill

The High Court in London heard evidence today in the case of wrongful dismissal of a " very senior" female MI6 official, who according to the prosecution refused a glass of whiskey during a mission briefing. Giving evidence the MI6 official sated that she rejected the whiskey because  it had  " only just gone past b****dy breakfast " and imbibing the liquid would have  "undeniably" resulted  in having to go out mid morning and get a McDonalds, thereby leaving her desk open to the possibility of cyber-terrorism hacks.  

An undercover spy enjoying their Whiskey yesterday

It is further alleged that as the defendant was leaving the briefing, a member of the cabinet rushed over to her, grabbed her arm and whispered; " Do you not watch f****ing Bond films?". This allegation  has been strenuously denied by both MI6 and the Government.

Secret Service Historians are divided in their pinpointing of where this tradition originates from exactly but they are in  agreement  that it probably surfaced some time between The Spy Who Love Me and For Your Eyes Only. Up until now the machinations of the secret service have naturally been shrouded in secrecy and many readers may well  be fascinated to read  what goes on when determining who should be assassinated next, but this is far from new news to some. 

In the past Bob Beckett of the Association of National Vending Machines has spoken of the "deluge of complaints from both MI6 and Parliamentary officials " complaining about the lack of variety in the corridors of power. " It still baffles me why state endorsed extraction of hostages can't be discussed over a Capri Sun" said Mr Beckett during a speech at The Guild of Vending Machines Conference last year.

A decision is due next week 

Banking Crisis

 

 Brand tells us why he don't like Bank Holiday Mondays

TV funnyman Russell Brand sparked outrage last night when, on the first leg of his UK tour, he controversially announced moving one of the May Bank Holidays to around October in order to " even things up a bit." No stranger to controversy, the former addict and MTV presenter then went on to suggest that Bank Holidays were at heart "boring" and that the British people shouldn't be subjected to double the boredom in one calender month.

Brand's comments have provoked a fierce backlash on social media, with none other than the Managing Director of B and Q wading into  the debate. " To say that the Bank Holidays are boring  are way off the mark" he argued, " we offer a service on Bank Holidays whereby the British Public can come and buy equipment to finally finish off those long awaited DIY tasks and then when they get home place the equipment in the garage for a further year while they go and watch The Shawshank Redemption on tv".

However in  some quarters, Brand's comments have found favour, Cliff Dawson, head of  pressure group MOTH (Move One of The Holidays) was pleased to see a high profile celebrity figure taking up the issue. " Russell's comments, welcome as they are, will only work to put more pressure on the government to address this issue. In the old days the last bank holiday of May was traditionally reserved for all the play off football finals. But with the scheduling on Sky all over the place , this just leads to confusion. The traditional two Bank Holiday system is out of date and  needs to be revolutionised"

Supporters of the revolution argue that moving the second Bank Holiday to October will not only extend the school half term by a day but, as Russell observed, even out the bank holidays allowing the banking industry more of an un-interrupted run when it comes to losing our money

So far an online petition run by MOTH has collected 80,000 signatures, 20,000 short of their target of 100,000 which will allow the issue to be raised in the House of commons.

Russell Brand was yesterday unavailable to comment on proposed plans to scrap Maundi Thursday