Jose Mourinho yesterday dropped his biggest hint yet that he may be returning to England - to work in admin. " English offices are the envy of the world" said the Special One " In Portugal if you work in an office and the phone rings you immediately answer it, in England when the phone rings you can just bow your head at the desk and mumble something about being " locked out".
" In Portugal " the Real Madrid honcho continued " you normally eat at breakfast and then have to wait until at least lunch time until you can eat again, in England you have breakfast and then by ten minutes past nine in the morning, people start breaking out orange clubs and twiglets. It's like Christmas day every day. Plus you all get to wear swipe cards to enter buildings, it must be like working for the CIA"
Jose Mourinho - "Intimidating" array of spreadsheets
Mourinho, it appears, is no stranger to administration, as deputy to Bobby Robson at Sporting Lisbon he would often take it upon himself to write replies to player's fan mail and when Portuguese television showed a behind the scenes documentary on Sporting in the late 90's the producers of the documentary found a highly detailed, extensive collection of spread sheets (purportedly compiled by Mourinho) which one current employee at the club described as " intimidating".
The Special One's latest comments have got social media buzzing, with many suggesting that it is just an extension of his renowned mischievous sense of humour. " I'm not so sure" said Simon Tarr, freelance journalist and friend of Mourinho during his time at Chelsea, " rumour has it that the minute Roman (Abramovic) heard this he immediately issued a memo demanding that the club procure the most up to date stationery in an effort to lure Jose back. I've also heard on the grapevine that Abramovic is personally overseeing the development of a franking machine based on ancient Egyptian technology."
Whether Mourinho's intentions are genuine or not there is no doubting his enthusiasm for this area of work. " In England you play this office game called " Who would you do?" where you take 2 unattractive people, one say from the mail room and the other one from accounts and you then have to say which one you'd have sex with. In Portugal this is not possible to play. "
" Is that because you're too busy working?" quipped one journalist " No " was the firm response " we have no unattractive people in Portugal "
David Icke's words seem to resonate with young brits, who grow up in a post discrimination era in which bigotry is largely a fringe activity. At the football, previously the exclusive domain of, and outlet for(?), accepted bigotry and bullying, all prejudices are now outlawed, be that based on gender, skin colour, country of origin etc.
The older generation - that is - those who remember the pre-Wogan David Icke, came through the era where prejudice reached a breaking point. At the football grounds, attendances dwindled as hooliganism proliferated without resistance. Black people were targeted and marginalised, in England, for abuse, bullying, and physical harm, not to mention treated with unfair suspicion by police forces. Homosexuality fought its corner against a backdrop of religious based hatred. Women continued the century long fight for equal rights and equal pay, and to be treated according to their values and actions, not their tits and skirt length.
At the time the establishment, fronted by the Wogan show - aired at prime time, to the huge majority of the watching public on the most prominent of only 4 British television channels.
The Wogan show was the billboard for the zeitgeist of the 1980s. The usual format was celebrities meeting Terry in some pretend middle-aged foreplay set up, usually to promote their new film, album, book, or sporting success. Wogan mixed gentle joshing - see the modern work of Alan Partridge for an identical reworking of the process - with snide side swipes and trapdooring of the celebrities par for the course. I always thought the likes of Wogan, and Parkinson, were so incredibly envious of the seemingly effortless success of their guests, that they took it upon themselves to expose the weakness of their guest - see Piers Morgan or again, Alan Partridge - in order to upset or dethrone their guest, to get a rise out of them, which would "excite" the audience. As Parkinson no doubt saw it, "bring the buggers down a peg or two." Only, the buggers were simply exhibiting their abilities. George Best, Mo' Ali, and others like them, were brought out like lambs to the slaughter. The main objective of the show - "entertainment" through humiliation. This was done to all celebrities who came on the show. Some took Wogan on at his own game, and fought back with cunning and guile. Others took a more aggressive approach, such as Grace Jones. Madonna was brough forward for her turn, and was cool as a cucumber. Either way, the giggling audience would be drooling in anticipation of their next fix of seeing another human being torn to shreds in front of them. A strange young boy who dealt in antiques was paraded out in front of the watching millions. He was fully versed in his hobby and business, and spoke eloquently about his subject. Wogan, in classic "bring this Jonny cum lately down to size" style, proceeded to ask the lad why he isn't normal, and in doing so, clearly implied - in fact just stopped short of saying - that the boy was not normal and that he "should be playing tig with the rest of the kids." The sniggers and the hands-hiding-the-mouth laughter from the audience acted, as was the intention of the entire Wogan project, to persuade the wider TV watching millions of exactly how they ought to react to such a "freak".
Uniqueness, it seems, was not to be celebrated, but to be ridiculed and, equally, condemned as hopeless and hapless, at least by the BBC and those behind their calculated productions.
David Icke simultaneously exited and walked back into this contrived environment when he first left the BBC, then returned as a guest. Wogan, only weeks or months earlier, to be considered a colleague of David, produced his most sneering, sniggering, eyebrow raising, ridiculing performance yet. It was nothing new, but Icke's appearance signalled, for me, an instant change in the epoch of television. Wogan's format fizzled out over the years, and Icke pioneered the modern conspiracy movement of open mindedness and scepticism. Icke came in on the wave of new drugs, mind opening MDMA and the erosion of the prejudice that was crippling society.
That was the early 90s. Ten, twenty years on, and people who saw that TV show still carry the audience reaction to David. "He's a nutter."
Young people, who were not aware of that appearance, and who read and listen to his stuff now, find him engaging, and a grandfather of wisdom type figure. It is with some relief that I, and others like me, sense this change in the zeitgeist, and feeling justified in the complete sense they saw in Icke's words and pictures all those years.
From my perspective, I am far more conscious, aware, and infinitely deep, when I am asleep and dreaming. I have beautiful, loving dreams of limitless possibility. The moment I wake, the whole thing comes crashing down, and its all I can do to get through the so called woken state until the next time I can fly away in my dreams.
Icke's description of the bombardment of the senses - in a fearful, scary, paranoid form - is absolutely spot on, and backed up by psychology experts. All the other proof needed comes from the fact that the USA's budget of invading other countries outweighs the cumulative invasion budget of all other countries in the world combined. Yet USA is portrayed, advertised and promoted, as a free, peace loving country.
In a shock announcement last night, former Strike It Lucky star Michael Barrymore confessed to making a " massive mistake" during the filming of the Strike It Lucky Christmas Special in 1986. In the process Barrymore, 58, finally settled one of the longest arguments in broadcasting history. For years fans and industry insiders have been asking why Barrymore pressed "Middle", when the viewing and studio audience could audibly hear the word " Giggle"
Sadly for the unwitting contestants, Derek and Brenda Johnson from Spennymoor, County Durham, the incident passed without reproach and it is only in recent years that it has reared it's ugly head again. 2 years ago celebrated TV and singing star Gary Wilmott referred to the incident in his autobiography describing it as " Michael's mistake". Wilmott even goes onto say that " Bruno Brookes knows the truth, but Bruno being Bruno is keeping schtum"
Barrymore, clearly shaken after the incident
Despite Brookes' wall of silence, it now looks like this secret can no longer be kept in the closet. And last night Barrymore took the unusual step of inviting selected members of the press to a specially reconstructed mock up of the Strike It Lucky stage, one journalist described it as being " eerily reminiscent of the original". Another journalist agreed saying " eerie yes and I was at the Paris tunnel for the Diana inquest"
Reading from a pre-prepared statement Barrymore explained how he'd misheard one of the contestants Brenda use the word "Giggle" which he'd interpreted as " Middle". By the time Barrymore made sense of what he'd heard he'd already de-pressed the button on the screen prompting a question. The question asked what rank was Jean Darblay in the tv series Juliet Bravo? Without conferring Derek dived in, shouting, " Sergeant". £2,000 poorer , the Johnsons trudged back to Spennymoor.
Barrymore continued by saying that it was the " lowest point in both his personal and professional life" and that " the scars of that night will probably never heal". Reacting to the statement the Johnsons, through the family solicitor, said they'd " no animosity towards Barrymore, everyone makes mistakes. We had a lovely time in London that year and whenever Strike It Lucky is on Challenge we have a good chuckle, or should I say giggle and just last year Brenda, my wife of 30 years bought me Juliet Bravo on DVD".
Michael Barrymore is currently starring as Captain Hook in Peter Pan at the Preston Guild Hall
Entertainment insiders are growing concerned at the increasingly worrying behaviour of 24 star, Keifer Sutherland. Concerns were raised last week, when the star of the show, currently in it's 15th season, asked for something to eat. " To say it took us by surprise is an understatement" said one insider working on the hit show " he's never eaten before , irrespective of whether he's being tied up in a deserted warehouse or chasing terrorists through the streets of Los Angeles"
No visible surgery scars
The surprise isn't shared by everyone, leading Nutritionist, Dr Lionel White has gone as far as writing to the President's office requesting that they look into this issue. " At the start, in seasons 1-3 I just assumed that he ate when the action was following his daughter having an argument with her teacher in high school over her continually poor grades, but since she left school I still haven't seen him eat anything. How is he supposed to do his job if he doesn't eat? At least James Bond drinks Martinis to keep him going. "
One wildly held assumption was that Sutherland has had a gastric band inserted, but this was ruled out by an executive producer on the show showing me a recent calender photo shoot where no visible surgery scars could be seen.However as this reporter was leaving the producer's office, a very heated telephone argument could be heard in which either the exec or someone else in the room was heard to shout, " Jesus Christ Artie, that rock climber guy went 128 hours without eating and he lost an arm"
The High Court in London heard evidence today in the case of wrongful dismissal of a " very senior" female MI6 official, who according to the prosecution refused a glass of whiskey during a mission briefing. Giving evidence the MI6 official sated that she rejected the whiskey because it had " only just gone past b****dy breakfast " and imbibing the liquid would have "undeniably" resulted in having to go out mid morning and get a McDonalds, thereby leaving her desk open to the possibility of cyber-terrorism hacks.
An undercover spy enjoying their Whiskey yesterday
It is further alleged that as the defendant was leaving the briefing, a member of the cabinet rushed over to her, grabbed her arm and whispered; " Do you not watch f****ing Bond films?". This allegation has been strenuously denied by both MI6 and the Government.
Secret Service Historians are divided in their pinpointing of where this tradition originates from exactly but they are in agreement that it probably surfaced some time between The Spy Who Love Me and For Your Eyes Only. Up until now the machinations of the secret service have naturally been shrouded in secrecy and many readers may well be fascinated to read what goes on when determining who should be assassinated next, but this is far from new news to some.
In the past Bob Beckett of the Association of National Vending Machines has spoken of the "deluge of complaints from both MI6 and Parliamentary officials " complaining about the lack of variety in the corridors of power. " It still baffles me why state endorsed extraction of hostages can't be discussed over a Capri Sun" said Mr Beckett during a speech at The Guild of Vending Machines Conference last year.
Brand tells us why he don't like Bank Holiday Mondays
TV funnyman Russell Brand sparked outrage last night when, on the first leg of his UK tour, he controversially announced moving one of the May Bank Holidays to around October in order to " even things up a bit." No stranger to controversy, the former addict and MTV presenter then went on to suggest that Bank Holidays were at heart "boring" and that the British people shouldn't be subjected to double the boredom in one calender month.
Brand's comments have provoked a fierce backlash on social media, with none other than the Managing Director of B and Q wading into the debate. " To say that the Bank Holidays are boring are way off the mark" he argued, " we offer a service on Bank Holidays whereby the British Public can come and buy equipment to finally finish off those long awaited DIY tasks and then when they get home place the equipment in the garage for a further year while they go and watch The Shawshank Redemption on tv".
However in some quarters, Brand's comments have found favour, Cliff Dawson, head of pressure group MOTH (Move One of The Holidays) was pleased to see a high profile celebrity figure taking up the issue. " Russell's comments, welcome as they are, will only work to put more pressure on the government to address this issue. In the old days the last bank holiday of May was traditionally reserved for all the play off football finals. But with the scheduling on Sky all over the place , this just leads to confusion. The traditional two Bank Holiday system is out of date and needs to be revolutionised"
Supporters of the revolution argue that moving the second Bank Holiday to October will not only extend the school half term by a day but, as Russell observed, even out the bank holidays allowing the banking industry more of an un-interrupted run when it comes to losing our money
So far an online petition run by MOTH has collected 80,000 signatures, 20,000 short of their target of 100,000 which will allow the issue to be raised in the House of commons.
Russell Brand was yesterday unavailable to comment on proposed plans to scrap Maundi Thursday
