Slow, slow, quick, quick, but mostly slow

I wonder if officials at the passport office shudder as much as I do when I read the occupation - "singer songwriter". I wonder if  it  evokes images of  Nick Drake or Neil Young or the tortured writings of Ian Curtis or Kurt Cobain. Or does it, as seems to be the case, conjour up images of a dread locked acoustic guitarist called River baring his soul in a pub in Hoxton, bemoaning the loss of his girlfriend just 47 days before 9/11. The tragic death of 3198 people  in the Twin Towers paling into insignificance compared to the deterioration of  his 3 and a half hour relationship.
Everyone has a right to be who they want to be , we live after all in a democracy and no one has the right to dictate and tell people what they should or shouldn't do. We know that. It's been written. The problem here is the inability to tell someone that they're not very good. We have heard endless tales from celebrities how they have bravely overcome the stigma of being told they would never amount to anything, only to become one of the leading figure in their field. Louis Walsh excepted.
But for every failure to adhere to the mantra of "least likely to succeed", there's thousands more who really should have been forcibly rounded up and told in no uncertain terms; give up or your future kids will pay. We owe it to society to preserve all facets of the art world, the tortured singer songwriter being one of them.
The former Granada Reports and Factory Records owner Tony Wilson  once said that Joy Division were on stage because " they had no fucking choice". The idea that if they weren't on stage they'd either be dead or in jail. It's the only arena that these emotional beings can exist. Their feelings being  laid bare in front of 250 soles at the Rat and Parrott. The audience hanging on their every word because the singer/band are talking their language. They're talking of real issues that affect them , whether it be unemployment, insecurity, no money, not finding love or even just not being able to break the cycle of not getting a shag. The point is that these universal issues that are being used as a basis for the music the band/singer is making. The music, the lyrics, the mood and tempo all being in sync to create an atmosphere, a story, a feeling.
Now if there is one thing modern music likes is feelings. They like feelings so much that if they can't write about them they'll create them. Despite punk being all revolutionary in the 70's , the nightclubs were probably still spewing Rod Stewart and Emerson, Lake and Palmer onto the dance floor. Down the road your mates are pogoing to Buzzcocks in a dingy club, you're in Pzazz nightclub staring into the dregs of your Hofmeister waiting for some Earth, Wind and Fire. Anything to break the never ending mediocrity of prog rock.
I don't know how Disco music was invented, but Id like to think to think that a music producer was in Pzazz in 1970's and he was feeling the boredom on the dance floor and the next day he set about writing the blue print for up tempo dance music. I'm fairly sure it didn't happen that way but the most important thing is that it did happen. Whatever the circumstances dance music happened and as it evolved it began to combine the euphoria of being young and free with the introspective elements traditionally the preserve of blues,folk or country. Hometown Boy by Bronski Beat, a bench mark song about the pressures of being a young gay man in the 1980's running away  from his oppressive hometown wouldn't have worked if it had been sound tracked by pan pipes but with a thumping snyth/drum beat it perfectly encapsulated the song.
So how does all this all tie in with River singing about breaking a nail? Well they started it. They did when they realised that writing a song about your life is actually pretty fucking difficult. Something only a few can ever perfect and even fewer perfect over  career of ten or twenty plus years. So in needing to fulfil the criteria of being a tortured soul they need a song to sing. They haven't written one so the quickest route is to scour the charts history books looking for a song they can put their stamp on and in recent years it invariably means taking an upbeat 80's classic and beating the living shit out of it.
In the past few years we've had slowed down versions of You Spin Me Round, I Just Can't Get Enough and Teenage Kicks, the latter of which contains the line - " a teenage dream's so hard to beat", hardly the best representation of withdrawn misery. But the modern singer songwriter delivers these in such mournful, solemnity that the original lyrics  hardly matter. It doesn't matter that Cigarettes and Alcohol by Oasis was written in recognition of the joy of finishing work and getting paid and nailing  pints and fags on a Friday night. These days in the era of social awareness, Cigarettes and Alcohol is set in a dystopian wasteland where a figure dressed in a red riding hood outfit finds a discarded bottle of Jack Daniels and it signals a reminder of life before every one became teetotal after the great holocaustical Bacardi Breezer wars of 2015. She cries as she remembers life before humans became alcohol ravaged zombies and rather than sitting in  a park getting tans and talking nonsense started launching nuclear bombs. Then a deer wanders up to the young girl with a pub dart in it's foot. How could society do this?
If you're unlucky to be in the UK in  the run up to Xmas and you happen to watch television you'll see every song ever made being used in adverts sung with a world weariness and precious fragility completely out of keeping with the lyrics or mood of the song. Think "I'm Too Sexy" being sung by a man who's just been water boarded by the CIA. And yet advertisers love it. And the longer the machine continues to pump out pitched down versions of We Will Rock You sung by a nurse in a hospice, the more unlikely we are to see River and his kin singing about issues other than the dangers of E Cigarettes or poorly designed cycle paths. The greatest innovation in modern music won't be the invention of a new sound but the unanimous decision to let music be . As it is, untainted, perfect. Let It Be. Now there's a song that's way too fast.

Mappy Slapping

London Mayor Boris Johnson has today given his strongest indication yet that he is prepared to rubber stamp  a  measure  which is sure to upset many cyclists in England’s capital city. For many months Johnson and the rest of city hall have been discussing options to curb the number of  accidents on the capital’s roads, with many insiders expecting  the mayor to bow to growing pressure and implement cycle lanes in the capital. However, in a surprise move the mayor of London is expected to announce  “tourist lanes “ and “tourist zones” in an effort to significantly  reduce what city hall perceives as “tourist induced accidents” or  “Map Slaps” as they are commonly referred to.

These "tourist  lanes", essentially based on the same system as cycle lanes will allow tourists the freedom to take in the cultural sights of the capital without straying into the path of busy commuters. “ It’s becoming a problem especially over Westminster bridge”  said one insider “ I’m constantly finding myself facing the prospect of either  having to walk  around a large group of tourists thereby  running the risk of being hit by a car or a bike or  having to consider  the option of shimmying along on the underside of the bridge like Indiana Jones under that truck in Raiders of the Lost Ark. “

 Tourists queuing outside a haulage depot in central London yesterday, eager to get a photograph of an authentic London wooden pallet or an over weight man smoking. But could this soon become a thing of the past ? 

It is thought that Boris Johnson himself owns a scuba diving kit in case he needs to get from one side of the river to the other and avoid the crowds. “ The last thing we want to do is discourage tourists taking photos of the many wonderful things the city has to offer “ continued the  insider “ but we have to be reasonable, we have to draw the line somewhere. In addition to implementing tourist lanes, to run adjacdent to historical places of interest,  we are looking to impose tourism zones where tourists can come to photograph in bulk rather than causing mayhem by trawling from one tourist hot  spot to another”

Much like the concept of the Millenium Dome it will be an exhibition of portable items that can be contained under one roof. As one colleague in the press put it – “ The type of shit tourists see at home; grass, paving stones, leaves , but because it’s in London it’s got greater significance. Like it was once in Jane Austen’s bin or summit.  If Paul McCartney’s brother’s wife’s mother in law spat on it and it’s been cleaned a million times since to remove any DNA relating to the Beatle, it goes in”.

Many would argue that that it’s just going to give more credence to profiteering black market operatives who already cash in on tourist’s love for irrelevant tat. There are already market stall holders, dotted around the capital, allowing tourists for £10 quid a time to photograph  items  such as a  piece of a tree  that Samuel Pepys’ dog once shat on, a junky needle once used by Sherlock Holmes and the piece de resistance;  the original docking station for the first I Pod believed to have been used  by Sid James.  Most of these stall holders are operating illegally and critics argue that setting up these tourism zones will just legitimise this industry. “ It’ll be like giving the Victorian Freak Show a National Insurance number  and sick pay ” suggested one source.

An announcement on this issue is expected by the end of the week 

Daybroken

In a move likely to upset the proletariat, the government has today outlined a five year plan to cull daily lifestyle and topical debate tv programmes. Under the proposals, which the government hopes to be roll out as soon as this autumn, big hitters such as Daybreak and The Wright Stuff could be off our television screens as early as Christmas. The reason for the cull, according to a senior Whitehall source, is due to the Prime Minister being left fuming after heeding advice from morning television that a certain food stuff definitely caused cancer only to discover the information was flawed.

" The P.M loved brussel sprouts" said a senior party Whip " he would eat them by the suitcase load but as soon as he found out they definitely caused cancer, they immediately went off  Number 10's shopping list. It caused a bit of embarrassment for the P.M at the party christmas do I can tell you, the P.M would make up all manner of excuses such as IBS or that he was currently  "anti- greens", which unfortunately was jumped on by the left wing press as an admission that his party were in favour of climate change. Thankfully a potential party scandal was quickly averted."

Could the sun soon be setting on Daybreak?

The government may have narrowly avoided one political scandal but they now seem to be heading headlong into another one. "It's outrageous" said one opposition  MP opposed to the plans; " Where am I going to get my unsubstantiated, ill informed opinions now? The Internet?" And his views were echoed by many MP's on both sides of the political fence.

But it's not just M.P's feeling aggrieved , Claire Davies of The Single Parents Alliance feels this could have have a detrimental effect on her members. " As single parents we have become accustomed to former reality tv stars turned parenting experts advising us on how bad we are at bringing up our kids. Who's going to keep us on our toes now? Without this level of continuous undermining I fear for the development of many children in this country"

And even in the corridors of political advice there is growing concern;" I think the Prime Minister is exerting his own personal grievance here and he could live to regret it " said Crem Waterston, director of political think tank Mow Teeve 8. "Shows like Daybreak speak to the average man in the street and if you take them away you're removing a political party's main mouth piece. All the responsibility will then fall on Jeremy Clarkson and to be fair he's got his hands full with Top Gear and Christmas book writing.

This motion is due be debated in the House of Commons next week

Baby Blues

A report out today will highlight the lengths men will go to, to avoid looking at, commenting on or touching the baby of a work colleague. The report argues that more and more British men are finding ways to excuse themselves from the office rather than lie about how happy and beautiful their colleague's baby is.

The most popular methods of escaping this ordeal appear to be pretending to be on the phone with no one on the line, suggesting that you've got " some thingy" that needs doing  and in one instance jumping through a 10 storey glass window.  

We emailed the findings of the report to the editor and founder of  baby bragging website - Babeeze. " I'm not surprised. " said website founder Michelle Brown " And it's something that irks me immensely. The day I gave birth was the greatest day of my life so why don't people whom I rarely acknowledge share the same sense of pride?" 

We asked Wiz Neegal, editor of Wankz magazine for a male perspective. " If it's your kids you don't mind but the last thing you want to do is dish out attention to some stranger. They're gonna get attention when they grow up and make the front pages of the tabloids so if anything I think we're doing them a favour."

" You wouldn't mind if they brought their kids into the office at 17.00 cos you can make the excuse of needing to get home. But they always bring them in just after lunch, right when you're at your most vulnerable. Plus in winter they're normally full of baby viruses like small pox and I'm right at the limit of my full sick pay allowance."

" Data protection's also an issue " continued Neegal " how do we know that they're not the latest Japanese robot baby with camera inplants in their eyes photographing our personal information. One minute you're making coochie coochie noises at baby Alfie and the next minute Afie's got an Uzi and a Bentley and living in the Caymen Islands. " 

We asked the National Office for Data Protection if it was possible that babies could pose a threat to the protection of personal information. " I very much doubt it " said a spokesman " quite frankly if a 6 month old baby who's not even walking or talking can remember sort codes and 7 digit bank account numbers, well they probably deserve the money" *

* Since this interview was conducted the National Office of Data Protection have confirmed that they don't condone  financial scamming by babies

Boasting joggers - quents

Warning: Spleen venting in progress

 Of all the sports about which people love to boast, there can be no more banal and irritating than the quent who boasts about the universally simple act of transporting your body from one designated position to another designated position at slightly faster speed than walking pace.
Firstly, may I wholeheartedly recognise and acknowledge the act of running for all its advantages. 1). This genetically coded system of human locomotion transports yourself and your belongings to a destination faster than walking, without the need for extrinsic assistance.
Shifting perspective, to the arena of sport and hobbies, I also recognise the benefits and satisfaction that one might derive from performing this activity for anything other than the aforementioned purpose of self transport. For some people, simply performing the act of running long distances fills them with complete and utter satisfaction.
But please stop short of this consideration that running is anything to boast about, or tell others that you do. Social media is chock full of people who post their latest personal best for the world to see. Clear and utterly bereft of any sense of irony or self criticism, these "posts" declare the owner's complete and utter self satisfaction with themselves. Perhaps it isn't "running" that is to blame. More, it is the catalyst by which the wankers reveal themselves to the world. Perhaps, on closer consideration, we ought to thank running for bringing these scum floating to the top of the sewage drain, so we can survey and avoid.
Nobody cares, to be honest, how far you ran today. Nobody is proud of you. Nobody respects you. Running is just a form of transport, and is, itself a component of sport, but not in itself a sport. By this I mean, apart from the geek next to you running faster or slower than you, there is no distraction, no opponent trying to knock you off your stride, no referee applying the rules. There are no rules, and no strategy that a 4 year old can't master in a weekend. There really is nothing to it. If you want to put yourself on the line and go running, then that is absolutely fine with me and the rest of the world. Indeed, if I see a person on the street having a jog, that's fine - good for you.
But in sport, bragging is not the done thing. In victory, it is polite, gentlemanly, ladylike and sportsmanlike, courteous and apt, to take satisfaction with humble modesty. The opposite, is the complete and utter wanker who runs around waing his hands in the air, as if to say "Nar na ni nar nar!" to all and sundry. You might aswell resort to type and shout "I'm the king of the castle and you're the dirty rascal" because you never really emerged from your 9th year of psychological development. You probably still have identity issues, as you never really created one for yourself. Indeed, you probably have an intense anal fixation, which is why running is the perfect hobby for you. It allows you to own the success, all by yourself, without having to share it with others.
Running is the realm of the selfish. Like (professional) tennis, snooker and golf, all sports that started out as social games - something to do on a summer's day or in a pub, with your mates, the introduction of competition has brought forth the anally retentive, who pursue personal success, amongst others doing the same.
For me, the team sports are universally more endearing. The fundamental difference being the victory or defeat are shared by the tribe. Victory resonates through the team, as defeat depresses all. As a social vehicle, team sports resonate strongly. Individual sports, hobbies and pursuits were never intended for such purposes. The conclusion is, that results are of no interest to anyone but the person involved.
In team sports, where sportsmanship remains integral, it is not acceptable to beat your chest when the battle is won. Far more class has the man, or woman, who consoles the loser, and says hard luck.
The solitary, lonely, and self-indulged individual runner (or golfer, or tenniser) misses out on this completely. Through social networks, these anal tosspots have been exposed for, ironically, their social ineptitudes. Look at me, I've done well.
Jesus christ, was your daddy looking the other way when you grew up? Short of mother's milk, or too much perhaps?
Wimbledon's latest news story is a plethora of "superstars" of the sport falling over, and "blaming" their lack of coordination on their surroundings. That's like a slow swimmer saying the water was too thick. Again, we hear these cocooned, developmentally-retarded creatures bleating like 7 year olds who lost at the school tombola.
And so in all individual sports, but at least they are professionals and have made it to a level resembling  impressive. If they publicised their success on social networks, they would be cannon fodder for such braggish arrogance.
Yet, for far less achievement, the proliferation of "look-at-me-in-my-running-vest" wankers grows and grows, without shame, without humility, and without any sense of the fact that the only words coming out of viewers' mouths, beggin with "F" and "W" and are spat forth qucikly and in immediate succession.

And I didn't even mention cyclists.....

R.I.P it up and start again.

The coalition has announced it's biggest austerity measure yet in order to curb the amount of working time lost to observing silences following the deaths of famous people. Under new plans rolled out today, a single day of remembrance will replace the current system of observance which occurs on the anniversary of a celebrity's death. By bringing the commemoration of famous people "in house" and displaying it under the banner of a single day it is hoped that it will halt the decline in productivity and give the UK economy a much needed boost.

The proposed,  as yet unnamed, day of remembrance comes hot on the heels of a report published by celebrity death research organisation (BUKITKIK) which looked into the levels of productive output following the demise of a famous figure.

" The results were jaw dropping " said Conway Perrett, the government minister who's brainchild this is, " firstly, I didn't realise that Pete Postlethwaite was dead but also I didn't realise how popular some of these celebrities were. And that is shown in the willingness of many to down tools to commemorate the life of someone they barely knew"

Some children playing in their own tears at the Princess Diana Memorial but would they be so keen if it was 

4.30 am on a Tuesday morning in January?

This paper received an early leaked copy of the BUKITKIK report several weeks ago and we took to the streets of the UK to gauge the nation's feelings on this subject. As you might have guessed opinions are divided. " I remember 1998,  the year after the deaths of Lady Di and Mother Teresa " said Stan Brain , a retired welder from Woking, " One minute I'm in the tape section of John Menzies bowing my head and the next I know I'm standing in the aisle of an aeroplane scared to move for fear of upsetting the memory of Mother Teresa. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. Plus I'm a diabetic which doesn't help matters. I think this is a good move and if I know I'm going to be busy commemorating on any given day  I can plan my day around it. " 

Stan is not alone in his support, one man who refused to be named said he was a fire fighter the year after Amy Winehouse died and because he had overslept and missed the community action meeting he was not informed of the proposed silence that was due to take place - " I was at work when  my neighbour burst in and said I had to stop what I was doing because Amy Winehouse had died a year ago that very day. I had no option but to do what

he said. Luckily no one died in the fire but it could have been much worse"

And much worse is something that this fire fighter is desperate to avoid - " It just makes sense, we need to stop this madness right now" 

But not everyone is so keen, critics of the proposals are not necessarily  against the idea of saving time but are more concerned with the registration process. The report suggests that in order to effectively orchestrate a day of national remembrance, say for example 15th September every year,  there will need to be a cut off point by which all proposed deaths to be remembered will need to be registered, currently the proposed date is the 1st of April. Any celebrity deaths registered after the 1st April will not be remembered until the following year. 

" Say the Queen dies in March " said Brian Banks, president of pressure group Silence Majority, campaigning against the bill, " and her death isn't registered until 2nd April she won't be remembered for another 18 months, people will have forgotten about her by then. Plus, it won't be long before the government brings in self -assessment, how are they going to do that? By seance?" 

The BUKITKIK report is due to be debated in the commons tomorrow. 

The Special One sided photocopying

Jose Mourinho yesterday dropped his biggest hint yet that he may be returning to England - to work in admin. " English offices are the envy of the world" said the Special One " In Portugal if you work in an office and the phone rings you immediately answer it, in England when the phone rings you can just bow your head at the desk and mumble something about being " locked out".

" In Portugal " the Real Madrid honcho continued " you normally eat at breakfast and then have to wait until at least lunch time until you can eat again, in England you have breakfast and then by ten minutes past nine in the morning, people start breaking out orange clubs and twiglets. It's like Christmas day every day. Plus you all get to wear swipe cards to enter buildings, it must be like working for the CIA"

Jose Mourinho - "Intimidating" array of spreadsheets 

Mourinho, it appears,  is no stranger to administration, as deputy to Bobby Robson at Sporting Lisbon he would often take it upon himself to write replies to player's fan mail and when Portuguese television showed a behind the scenes documentary on Sporting in the late 90's the producers of the documentary found a highly detailed, extensive collection of spread sheets (purportedly compiled by Mourinho) which one current employee at the club described as " intimidating".

The Special One's latest comments have got social media buzzing, with many suggesting that it is just an extension of his renowned mischievous sense of humour. " I'm not so sure" said Simon Tarr, freelance journalist and friend of Mourinho during his time at Chelsea, " rumour has it that the minute Roman (Abramovic) heard this he immediately issued a memo demanding that the club procure the most up to date stationery in an effort to lure Jose back. I've also heard on the grapevine that Abramovic is personally overseeing the development of a franking machine based on ancient Egyptian technology."

Whether Mourinho's intentions are genuine or not  there is no doubting his enthusiasm for this area of work. " In England you play this office game called " Who would you do?" where you take 2 unattractive people, one say from the mail room and the other one from accounts and you then  have to say which one you'd have sex with. In Portugal this is not possible to play. "

" Is that because you're too busy working?" quipped one journalist " No " was  the firm response " we have no unattractive people in Portugal "

And who are we to argue.