Mappy Slapping
London Mayor Boris Johnson has today given his strongest indication yet that he is prepared to rubber stamp a measure
which is sure to upset many cyclists in England’s capital city. For many
months Johnson and the rest of city hall have been discussing options to curb the number of accidents on the capital’s roads, with many insiders expecting the mayor to bow to growing pressure and implement
cycle lanes in the capital. However, in a surprise move the mayor of London is expected to
announce “tourist lanes “ and “tourist
zones” in an effort to significantly reduce what city hall perceives as “tourist induced
accidents” or “Map Slaps” as they are
commonly referred to.
These "tourist lanes", essentially based on the same system as cycle lanes will allow tourists the freedom to take in the cultural sights of the
capital without straying into the path of busy commuters. “ It’s becoming a problem especially over Westminster bridge” said
one insider “ I’m constantly finding myself facing the prospect of either having to walk around a large group of tourists thereby running the risk of being hit by a car or a
bike or having to consider the option of shimmying along on the underside of the
bridge like Indiana Jones under that truck in Raiders of the Lost Ark. “
Tourists queuing outside a haulage depot in central London yesterday, eager to get a photograph of an authentic London wooden pallet or an over weight man smoking. But could this soon become a thing of the past ?
It is thought that Boris Johnson himself owns a scuba diving kit in
case he needs to get from one side of the river to the other and avoid the
crowds. “ The last thing we want to do is discourage tourists taking photos of
the many wonderful things the city has to offer “ continued the insider “ but we have to be reasonable, we
have to draw the line somewhere. In addition to implementing tourist lanes, to run
adjacdent to historical places of interest, we are looking to impose tourism zones where
tourists can come to photograph in bulk rather than causing mayhem by trawling
from one tourist hot spot to another”
Much like the concept of the Millenium Dome it will be an
exhibition of portable items that can be contained under one roof. As one
colleague in the press put it – “ The type of shit tourists see at home; grass,
paving stones, leaves , but because it’s in London it’s got greater
significance. Like it was once in Jane Austen’s bin or summit. If Paul McCartney’s brother’s wife’s mother in
law spat on it and it’s been cleaned a million times since to remove any DNA
relating to the Beatle, it goes in”.
Many would argue that that it’s just going to give more credence
to profiteering black market operatives who already cash in on tourist’s love
for irrelevant tat. There are already market stall holders, dotted around the
capital, allowing tourists for £10 quid a time to photograph items
such as a piece of a tree that
Samuel Pepys’ dog once shat on, a junky needle once used by Sherlock Holmes and
the piece de resistance; the original
docking station for the first I Pod believed to have been used by Sid James.
Most of these stall holders are operating illegally and critics argue
that setting up these tourism zones will just legitimise this industry. “ It’ll
be like giving the Victorian Freak Show a National Insurance number and sick pay ” suggested one source.
An announcement on
this issue is expected by the end of the week
